Dear God,
I know the thing that you want to tell me. You've been hinting on it since You know when, starting with a few shows I see on tv, a few lines and verses, even a couple of songs. But the hints have been starting to grow. What you're trying to tell me is becoming more and more evident as I live my life. You want me to surrender.
Lord, I do not love you. In fact, I hate you. I hate you with such power that it consumes me and stops me from living. I hate you and I'm dying because of it. I hate you because you hate me. Now I know that that may not be true and that may just be the self-loathing guilt that I've been feeling or the lies of people around me but that is what I feel. I feel hate from you.
God, I am gay. And I'll admit, I'm proud to be gay. And I can't surrender to you because I am proud. And to tell the truth, I really don't want anything to do with you. Remember, I hate you. And sometimes I just wish that you were never a part of my life. That could possibly mean my suicide but as You know, I would not mind that.
But Lord, I know that I cannot live this life without You. And I also know that you are very stubborn. So fine: now that I have left the liars that I have had relationships with, I'll give you a chance.
Lord, I do not think that there is anything wrong about being gay. In fact, I wish it so badly that I can serve you as a gay man. I would be happy to serve you that way. But it doesn't feel right serving you that way. Something inside me says no. But I want to know why not? I read a letter once about the affirmation of gay people in the bible. Is that true? I want to know.
I have no intention of surrendering my soul to you, there is no passion behind that. But I'm coming to you now, Lord, with great passion to know the truth. If being gay is so bad, Lord, then SHOW ME the truth. Convince me with reason that I will understand and make it hit me SO HARD that I will have no choice but to do the right thing.
Amen
